More On Pets And Pet Owners, Ids And Assault Therapy
September 28, 2006
Yesterday, we posted Why Dogs Bite People. Well, we weren’t quite done.
In order to help celebrate Dr Sanity’s birthday (today is the day- send money and we will be sure she gets some of it- well, just a little, anyway) we have decided to speak from her Id, something she, as a mental health professional, rarely gets to do. We know, deep down and buried inside every mental health professional, is an ‘assault therapist’ just waiting to be set free. It is with that in mind that we further address the relationship between (often dysfunctional) pets and their (often dysfunctional) owners.
We were taken to task about our view on pet blogs by some of our regular readers.
That said, we wanted to reconsider some of our thoughts and expand upon them here, in this forum. We reread our critics, and coupled with our own experiences with pets, decided it was indeed time to to clarify our thoughts on Pet Blogs and pet bloggers, as well as pet owners.
We believe most pet owners are fine people (save their own personal neurosis).
That said, we do stand by our earlier remarks- as they do concern us. There are some pet owners that have sanity in the rear view mirror.
These remarks are addressed to them.
Anyone that leaves a million and half dollars to cat is insane. This observation is further validated when the deceased leaves strict instructions on how to take care of said cat (as in, do not sell the house until after Pussy passes, or Pussy is to have an adequate supply of caviar, of a particular brand, bought in containers of a certain size) after their demise. Leaving instructions that a new red or yellow ribbon be applied daily to a yappy Maltese or Yorkie, with specific instruction on how to apply said ribbon, is reason enough to have the entire will invalidated.
Pets do not send Christmas or Birthday cards, of the regular or email variety. Pets do not know it’s your birthday, and further, they don’t care. If they did really know, they would surprise you by not crapping in the house for a day, not chew on anything of value or they would let you sleep longer, not bark or jump on the furniture- just for that one day.
Pets do not know it’s Christmas, save for the fact that today, master and fecal matter removal slave is letting me play with wrapping paper. Pets are not aware of Christmas stockings, embroidered with their names. Pussy or Spike do not understand when, on Christmas morning, you announce, in an exaggerated voice, “Ohhh! What did Santa bring for YOU?”
Pets do not need to be taken to a pet psychologist. There is no such thing. The quacks that refer to themselves as pet psychologists feel the same way about whack job pet owner that we do- they just want to cash in. In point of fact, every pet psychologist will tell you that Pussy or Spike isn’t happy, and they will diagnosis Pussy or Spike with a human disorder. Pussy ADD, or a particular- and rare- form of canine Multiple Personality Disorder, that affects Labs more than other breeds. You will be told it is somehow your fault for not dealing with or causing the problem. Please pay in advance for continued therapy.
Pet cemetaries are a nice thing. They are called ‘back yards.’ Any other place is called a wallet lightening exercise. Pet embalming, pet grave stones or grave markers, fall into that same category. Eulogizing ones pet, at home, is a lovely way to remember the beloved Pussy or Spike. Eulogizing one’s pet, in a formal setting, after having sent out 300 invitations, is insane. Participating in a pet wake prior to the ‘service’ is even more insane. One does not break out 100 year old scotch as farewell sendoff for a pet.
There is no rational reason to dress your pet up. Putting antlers on Spike for Christmas will not camoflauge the fact that he is a dog, not a reindeer. There are no appropriate Halloween costumes for pets.
Pets live in sin. They do not marry and despite a well planned and large gathering at the wedding ceremony, will not remain monogamous. Further, inter-species pet marriages are disturbing, for a variety of reasons. Having Spike or Pussy wear a tuxedo or wedding dress (complete with veil), is plain crazy, period. Spending a fortune on jewellery for Spike or Pussy, to celebrate the event, is also crazy. Having a photographer immortalize the solemn ocassion (and later sending out that thank you cards, signed with the paw prints of the happy couple) is beyond acceptable normal human behavior.
Asking your pet’s opinion on everything from what to put on pizza to discussing your pet’s politics will not make the extreme pet owner appear any more rational. To imply that you and your pet vote in the same manner, or agree on Iraq, or that bitch neighbor, the bitch’s pet or the bitch’s choice of pet clothing or Christmas/Birthday card/gift, is no testimony to your sanity.
This post was originally published on February 4, 2005. Our opinions have not changed.