Contact SC&A

Hello. Welcome to the SC&A Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don’t press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don’t press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

The Other Elves And J-Lo

So you know about the elves that put pantyhose into plastic eggs. You know about the Pajamasgram elves, the ones who get you to dial an 800 number in the belief you or your significant other will order the magic nightwear that will make her resemble J-Lo (those are very are special. Without them, you make remarks along the lines of “I like going to the beach with you. The ocean really makes your ass look smaller!”).

How about that special elf that will make your brain as big as J-lo’s, well you know?

That’s right, Dr Sanity’s Carnival Of The Insanities will fill your mind up in all the right places.

We’re not talking Honey Bun or donut hole induced greatness (by the way, eating a dozen Dunkin’ Donut donut holes from that box of 100 on the way home, is not a good excuse to teach your kids about ‘caveat emptor’ when they count those donut holes and come up 8 short (yup, you could have had another 4). We’re talking about honest to goodness, stick to your ribs stories and links you can use that will make you smarter, funnier and the scintillating center of attention at parties full of guys so drunk they start playing grabass with each other. That’s right- you too, can sound intelligent (for a while and in the presence of inebriated men and women) and you don’t have to pretend, like you do with those donut holes.

Think of Carnival Of The Insanities as that slimming and very special Santa’s helper-elf that adds meaning to mediocrity and hopelessness you call life. Put away the donut holes and other holiday treats you are ‘just tasting.’ Feed your mind with treats of meat.