The Psychological Consequences Of Abortion On Demand

Shrinkwrapped has begun a series on abortion, Abortion On Demand: Reverberations And Vicissitudes. He remarks:

…one of the critical divides between the left and the right, between religious and non-religious, traditional and non-traditional;

His observations promise to be a dispassionate but critical look at what abortions in America means, in both the psychological and political senses.

In my work with patients who have had abortions, or whose mothers have had abortions, as well as in the psychoanalytic literature, several important themes emerge, which are germane to any discussion of abortion and will be the subject of future posts on this subject.

…and how a re-examination of Abortion may help or hinder the reconciliation of our cultural “split” psyche.

He goes on to say,

…the very high percentage of patients who have been touched by abortion in one way or another, is quite striking…

In my work with patients who have had abortions, or whose mothers have had abortions, as well as in the psychoanalytic literature, several important themes emerge, which are germane to any discussion of abortion and will be the subject of future posts on this subject…

Please note that I am not taking a moral stand for or against abortion. I fully understand the view of those who believe, for religious or moral reasons, that life begins at conception. I also appreciate the views of those who believe that an unwanted pregnancy in certain circumstances, due to bad luck or irresponsibility, can be a personal disaster for the parent(s) and the child(ren). I would like to set those questions aside for the moment and concentrate on what abortion means to those who have been affected by it; perhaps through such a discussion, the moral and ethical arguments can become clearer.

It is with these thoughts in mind that I wish to republish a personal account- my own experience with abortion. Almost two decades later the events of that day have not been forgotten. The psychological after effects are still troubling and confusing. My remarks are only representative of my own experience.

I have to be one of the luckiest guys around.

Since I have begun blogging, I have had the opportunity to read and learn from some very fine minds, bloggers all. Some are like minded, some almost like minded and some not so like minded. I have learned from them all. I am grateful for that.

Writing this blog has been an eye opener. I thought I’d have so much to contribute on my own, but in reality, whatever few words I do write are much influenced by my peers, bloggers and readers alike. I have learned from my readers– and that has helped me see things in ways I might not have, otherwise.

It is also true that in terms of influence, I am aware that for the most part, bloggers are ‘preaching to the choir,’ as Ruth of Chaos Theory has noted on more than one occasion. She is right, of course. The successful blogger is one who manages to have their reader think.

There is one undercurrent that seems to bind bloggers that write about the issues of the day. That is issue is morality. Everyone, it seems has a view, opinion and belief structure that helps define them in a world of the mundane.

I like that. Those issues of morality, more than any other, helps me focus on the things that are important to me.

Moral struggles are important, if for no other reason than they make us uncomfortable.

Morality is a moving target. You can’t just nail it once and call yourself moral. Some of the moral choices we are faced with are easy, some are more difficult. There are choices we face everyday and others we face once in a lifetime and everything in between.

There are also matters of morality that are cultural and religious. Yes, Virginia, there is a difference.

There are choices that we make that are intensely personal and others that are more communal in nature. There are some choices we make that we’re never sure of, either and there are some choices we make we wish we could take back. There are also choices we have made, that if given the choice again, we’d still struggle with.

Before I was married to my ex, she got pregnant and had an abortion. It wasn’t a matter of carelessness or indifference. The pregnancy happened.

To my ex, an abortion was no big deal. She was raised in communist Eastern Europe and as a matter of course, abortion was considered a form of birth control. She was a nominal Catholic and had a limited amount of religious instruction. In the 70’s and 80’s, that’s how it was in Eastern Europe. As in the Arab world today, citizens believed what they were taught- at first, anyway.

God, religion and morality were ‘cultural’ in the same way national costumes and national dance were cultural expressions of a society. Science and art (approved art, of course), were the defining character of her place of birth. Church was for older people and even national spokespeople who spoke for the Church were state approved. The State was the real religion. The laws of the state were canon law.

This wasn’t a lifetime ago. The Wall came down in 1989, only 16 years ago.

In any case, my ex had an abortion. By that time, she understood that there was an issue. She had been in the west long enough to know that there was indeed a different morality. Still, that is what she chose to do. She had her reasons. Whatever they were, some of you would concur and others would not.

It would be easy to to criticize her, but I didn’t back then and I won’t now.

Personally, abortion makes me uncomfortable- actually, it makes me very uncomfortable and angry. I can’t debate the science of conception and I don’t have to. Ask any infertile couple, trying to have a child and they will tell you a fetus is not ’tissue.’ That is enough for me.

By the same token, I do believe an individual has a right to choose what is right for them. It may not be what I agree with and I may find immoral, even. But until I’m in that person’s shoes, what right do I have to tell someone what is moral for them? Should not morality come from within and not be imposed? There are people and societies out there that want to do just that– impose a set of values on us that we disagree with. That imposition of morality goes against everything we believe in.

That is not a baseless argument. There are people out there with terminal diseases or in dire need of organs. Despite the desperate situations and the pain and suffering some have to endure, we do not force anyone to donate their bone marrow or organs, even in the event of death. In not doing so, we condemn those people who are ill, to death. These individuals and unfortunates are innocent and defenseless. We do not mandate that like it or not, everyone must donate what may be lifesaving to another. Is that moral? I don’t know.

Irrespective of the argument, we all make choices. We are endowed with free will, for better or worse.

I chose to write about this because someone I respect a great deal, emailed me and questioned me on my post, below, Abortions and Elections, Past and Future. That person remarked that I was a principled individual and appeared to stand by my convictions. I’d like to think so, of course. In truth however, the principles and convictions I have don’t always come easily. I know I will be criticized by some and I will disappoint others. A few may even agree with me. Regardless, there are some things I struggle with.

America is unique in many ways. One of the most important I think, is that this that one of this country’s most contentious issues is a moral one. I cannot think of any other place where moral issues divide a society as much as they do here.

The tension is a good one, I think. As long as there are moral issues at stake, we focus on our beliefs and values. It may not be pretty at times, but for the vast majority of us, the non professional agitators, both sides of a moral debate give us pause, even if we don’t admit it. That we anguish over morality is a moral choice in itself. Europe has long since abandoned any moral debate and they are the poorer for it.

Unlike the societies and cultures that have a ‘one size fits all’ mentality and structure, we know, on a visceral level that we need to constantly define and redefine ourselves and values. There is great value in a society that allows for that debate, as difficult and hurtful as it is at times. We learn from it and we grow.

The Founding Father’s offered us the ‘Pursuit of Happiness.’ There was no guarantee of happiness for us all– only the pursuit of those ideals that each of us believe in, be they material, spiritual or physical. We are only guaranteed the right to express ourselves and beliefs. We cannot impose on our neighbors those things that they may not agree with, until they do agree. Abortion is no exception.

I am proud to say I’m the father of one child, a beautiful daughter. My ex is a wonderful mother– I couldn’t be more blessed that way. I love the ‘dad’ thing and the relationship I have with HRH (Her Royal Highness, as I refer to my daughter).

I’m at an age where people still ask if I’d want to be a dad again. My stock answer is that it isn’t only up to me. Truth is, I wouldn’t mind, but if that isn’t in the cards, well, I’ve fulfilled my paternal instincts.

I can’t say what I would do if I were faced with the same situation I was in, years ago. Neither can my ex. I know what I believe and what I think the moral choice would be. Some of you might be upset with me, others less so, for my lack of sureness.

Since that event, I have tried to be more moral. It had an effect on me that still resonates, deeply, in many ways. I think of that time, every now and then.

My son would be 17 years old.

Another post with more personal reflections and experiences, Liberation, Enslavement and Abortion, written as a follow up to this post, was written on February 21, 2007.