May 2, 2007
The SC&A Academy of Extremely Peculiar Pathologies, is pleased to announce this week’s winners of the Weekly Wednesday Whackjob Awards, commonly referred to as the ‘Whacky’s.’
First, some fine print: nominations will open each week until 10:00 PM, EST (After the broadcast of House, M.D.).
That’s it for the fine print.
The directors of the SC&A Institute are pleased to announce this week’s winners of the Whacky Awards, given to those who are outstanding examples of dysfunction, stupidity and of the bizarre.
This week’s show is being broadcast from the design desk at Kullman, world leaders in comfortable, pleasant and secure isolation facilities, designed to provide residents with a meaningful and happy living environment.
A ‘Whacky‘ has been been awarded this week in each of the following categories:
The Thorazine Shuffle and Dance Award, presented each week to the politician who dances and shuffles without actually addressing reality or answering a question, will be shared this wek by Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, for showing no shame even as they dug themselves into the bottomless cesspool of deceit. Despite drawing a bullseye on coalition troops in Iraq by demanding a withdrawal by a date certain, both profess to ‘back the troops.’
Their concern for the Iraqis that would result in the slaughter in the wake of a withdrawal is nowhere to be found. To their credit, House Democrats have been consistent. They slaughters in Rwanda, Darfur, Sierra Leonne and the Congo have elicited little if any Democrat concern. There is no reason for the Democrats to find the impending slaughter of Iraqi Arabs to be the least bit offensive.
This week’s Thomas Szasz Psychotherapy Award, presented each week to the biggest idiot therapists we can find, goes to those ECT practitioners found on the ECT Hall of Shame a fine organization that answers to a higher calling.
The Valium Award, presented to the dullard of the week goes to Gustavo Arellano, at the OC Weekly in Orange County, California.
Why do Mexicans use their car horns as a doorbell? Why is Mexican television so obsessed with dwarfs and transvestites? Why do they park their cars on the front lawn?
Do Mexican children get tamales at Christmas so that they have something to unwrap? What is it about the word “illegal” that Mexicans don’t understand?
The chances are that you will know the answers to some of these questions if you live in the United States and read the wickedly funny “Ask a Mexican!” column syndicated in more than a score of weekly newspapers across the country…
…The column began as a question and answer he made up asking why Mexicans call white people gringos. The answer: “Mexicans do not call gringos gringos. Only gringos call gringos gringos. Mexicans call gringos gabachos,” showing white people don’t even know the common Mexican slang term for themselves…
…The weekly exchange is accompanied by an illustration of a fat, leering Mexican with a sombrero, stubble and mustache that plays to stereotype.
The questions — some addressing Mexicans as “greasers” and “beaners” — pull no punches, and are met with equally arch slapdowns meant to sneak in an unexpected cultural rapprochement with humor, Arellano said.
The PC police are investigating.
The Trojan Award is presented each week to the person or persons we wish had never been born. This week’s winner, is the well meaning Professor Daniel Fischlin who headed the team at the University of Guelph in Ontario that developed a video game that is supposed to hook kids on Shakespeare.
Children typically spend hours in front of a computer so a Canadian university has decided to introduce them to Shakespeare with a video game.
While zapping enemy spaceships players have to help recover the stolen text of Romeo and Juliet by memorizing lines from the famous play, learning facts about Shakespeare’s life and devising synonyms and homonyms for parts of the text.
“The game is a way to capitalize on the time that kids spend on computers,”…
“I don’t know of another medium that has seven-year-olds spouting Shakespeare,” Fischlin added in response to charges the game might trivialize learning…
“Speare” contains a link to a database about Shakespeare called Canadian Adaptations of Shakespeare that was developed by the university as an educational resource.
The professor has yet to address the reality of Grand Theft Auto and other more adult type games. Will Puck the fairy, prevail? We’re taking bets.
The NutriSystem “I’m Not So disgusting to My Spouse Anymore” Award, goes to the biggest loser of the week, an emerging savior, messiah and future ex husband.
Like many, de Jesus says he was born again in prison. From there he moved to the United States, where he became involved in church youth groups, and eventually a minister in Boston. But it was a vision, de Jesus says, that turned him from man of God to being God…
His followers do seem happy. They greet him with mariachi bands at airports and often collapse in tears when they see him preach. But when he speaks to them, it is without theatrics. No holy rolling, no healing — it’s a pretty straightforward lesson in the fundamentals of what he believes. And it’s an upbeat, no-fault, sin-free message. This self-proclaimed Jesus does not believe in sin, hell, the devil or damnation of any kind…
De Jesus says things like murder and theft are crimes, but not sins, and that people are punished for these crimes on earth. “Heaven doesn’t have anything to do with your behavior,” he says.
And de Jesus practices what he preaches: He loves women and has been married twice. He smokes cigarettes and while enjoying a glass of scotch, he says, “Jesus drank wine because he didn’t have Dewar’s…”
Today his believers give money freely. And where does all the money go? Joane de Jesus, the daughter of the man called Jesus, is the official accountant for the ministry. She says, “What you see as luxuries are gifts that members have given him. They’re just very grateful, and they want to give him gifts.” There are no rules in de Jesus’ church. Anything goes when you follow “Jesus of Suburbia.”
What more could one ask of a man of God?
The Haldol Honor, awarded each week to the person or persons most out of touch with reality, goes to a 23-year-old, from Winona, Minnesota, who gives the expression ‘out of touch with reality,’ a whole new meaning.
A man is recovering in hospital after he was stabbed nine times – but didn’t notice, because he slept through the whole thing.
The Winona Daily News reports that the man, who wasn’t identified, only realised that he’d been stabbed nine times when his girlfriend noticed that he was covered in blood and pointed this out…
Police are continuing to investigate the incident, and the man remains in hospital. Probably asleep.
Nothing we can say can add to that story.
The Methamphetamine Medal, awarded each week to the most hyper, histrionic, hysterical, spaced out documented behavior goes to a District of Columbia Judge, Roy L Peason, Jr., who is suing his neighborhood dry cleaners for $65,000,000. He claims they lost his pants.
When the neighborhood dry cleaner misplaced Roy Pearson’s pants, he took action. He complained. He demanded compensation. And then he sued. Man, did he sue.
Two years, thousands of pages of legal documents and many hundreds of hours of investigative work later, Pearson is seeking to make Custom Cleaners pay — would you believe more than the payroll of the entire Washington Nationals roster?
…A week after that routine mishap — pants go astray all the time at cleaners — Soo Chung came up with gray trousers that she said were Pearson’s. But when the judge said that he had dropped off pants with red and blue pinstripes, there was no joy in Fort Lincoln.
Pearson’s first letter to the Chungs sought $1,150 so he could buy a new suit. Two lawyers and many legal bills later, the Chungs offered Pearson $3,000, then $4,600 and, finally, says their attorney, Chris Manning, $12,000 to settle the case.
But Pearson pushes on… A pant leg here, a pant leg there, and soon, you’re talking $65 million.
In a closet of a lawyer’s office in downtown Washington, there is a pair of gray wool pants, waiting to be picked up by Roy Pearson.
“We believe the pants are his,” Manning says. “The tag matches his receipt.”
This isn’t the first time Pearson has, uh, leaned over a bit to far. He treated his ex wife just as delightfully. See this excerpt from his divorce proceedings. Lawyers for Tort Reform have offered to buy him a new suit, to no avail.
For the record, for $65,000,000, SC&A will say nothing but nice things about Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.
The Viagra Statuette, (male or female), goes to the Malaysian Medical Association, who declared that neckties were a considerable health problem.
Malaysian doctors have declared neckties a health hazard and called on the country’s Health Ministry to stop insisting that physicians wear them.
Citing studies that show ties are unhygienic and can spread infection, the Malaysian Medical Association says they are not often washed and carry germs that can cause pneumonia and blood infections, the Star newspaper says.
No word yet on when the unregulated food vendors (selling ‘mystery meant’), questionable health care facilities and assorted tribal healers will be designated as ‘health hazards.’
The ECT Battery Award, presented to the most shocking news story of the week, goes to Jill Martin, who, we suppose, just tired of hearing her cooking tasted like crap (among other thigs).
An angry estranged wife took revenge on her husband – by feeding him a curry containing dog excrement.
Speaking in her defence, solicitor Terry Gallanagh said that the case was like ‘an episode of Desperate Housewives’.
47-year-old Jill Martin pled guilty to the charge of culpable and reckless conduct at Paisley Sheriff Court.
The court heard that after serving him the dish on March 13, and watching him as he started eating it, Martin burst out laughing.
She then told him that she’d poisoned the curry with arsenic, before admitting that she’d actually put dog faeces in.
Martin had been married to her husband Donald for 21 years, but the court heard how Martin (wrongly) suspected her husband of having an affair , and that the relationship had recently ‘hit an all time low.’ Then it got lower.
Hard as it is to believe, the couple are getting divorced. Jill continues to get fan mail
Finally, The HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) Prize awarded weekly to the loudest and most inconsequential feminist (type) drivel the SC&A jury can find, goes to The Unapologetic Mexican, who wrote For the Good of All: Us -Iraq Must Fail.
While every statement from the Right or the Left presupposes the idea that Of Course I Hope it Succeeds, I must disagree with that a priori element of our conversation. Iraq—the invasion and occupation thereof—must not succeed. Nor will the inexorable forces of Nature allow it…
Often I think of things as seen through the eyes of a child. In part, this is because I will often consider in what way I must convey something to an actual child. And another part of this is a fragment of consciousness that has been with me since my childhood…it just never left. A very simple lens. It was never taught out of me, or it never left. I never asked it to. Or it was encouraged to remain.
With our Preemptive War that Bush-Cheney-Rummy hoped would move quickly and devastatingly—Adolf Hitler’s tool, if you recall—what are we teaching the new humans to come into this Earth? Nevermind the gloss and hype and “spin” and other obfuscation that language facilitates, and that pure of heart humans (and non-speaking animals) cannot hear. What do our actions teach? What is this “new reality” that the Bush mechanism forges, so self-consciously? To what do I lend my hand merely by not rebutting, let alone in which I participate or encourage with my words or money or deeds?…
I cannot teach my children to be evil. That is wrong. I must teach them to see Good, as best I know how. That is my charge as a parent. If we lie to our children about these things, then we strip them of good preparation that they will need to engage that world. And as cliché as it may be, they really are our only hope for a better way. Like my parents generation, we have not done very well. A way in which we can do well is to tell the children the truth. Not bend their minds to mirror the warp we accept, and yet do not truly believe in our bones. There is a lifetime of society and media ahead of them that will attempt to do that.
I cannot teach my children that premptive war is Good. I must teach them that this is a great crime. Else there is nothing separating the Iraq Invasion from my paranoid delusion that my neighbor is plotting against me which eventually “causes” me to buy a gun and shoot them. And their entire family. That is, if the Iraq “War” is to be justified, then so must another body of actions that exist on a smaller scale. They are connected by philosophy; their shapes are the same and only the scale different. Truth is a fractal entity.
In the mind of the Unapologetic Mexican, the 50 million dead of World War II, while regrettable, were unavoidable. After all, any preemptive efforts to kill Adolph Hitler would have been a cardinal sin. So what if he told us what he was going to do? So what if he annexed the Sudetenland, oversaw the writing and imposition of the Nurenburg Laws and subsequent persecution of Jews, Gypsies, Slavs and other laws that were to result in the persecution and death of gays, the mentally ill and many and infirm older people. Not even a Kristallnacht would justify a preemptive strike, no siree. Let the slaughter begin, and then we can talk about it, right?
The Unapologetic Mexican also finds the Israeli separation fence repugnant (about 95% of the barrier is a fence. The 5% that is walled were constructed so that snipers (who routinely took pot shots at Israeli civilians), comparing that fence with other barriers meant to control borders. The fact that suicide attacks went down and lives were saved cannot compensate for the angst of the Unapologetic Mexican.
In the mind of the Unapologetic Mexican, avoiding preemptive strikes is what we need to teach children. When there are those who in a wild frenzy proclaim that ‘we will finish what Hitler started,’ and Slaughter the Jews! Slaughter the Christians! results in the kind of feel good drivel promulgated by the Unapologetic Mexican, we can only shake our heads in wonder.
The Unapologetic Mexican needn’t worry about teaching his children evil- they will have picked it up by the example set by their parents.
Sometimes, stupidity can be breathtaking. Clearly, Darwin does not always win out.
Now while we’re on the topic of crazy, be sure to visit Dr Sanity’s Carnival Of The Insanities for more bizarre, arcane, insane and incredible examples of what can be found in the whackosphere, blogosphere, MSM and NASA.
May 2, 2007
Image was taken during the performance of ‘I Fought The Law And The Won,’ at the Dallas School Book Depository Benefit for Dyslexic Children.
Music written by Oliver Stone and arranged by San Giancana. Copyright, N Khrushchev School of Music.
May 2, 2007
This week, the Sanity Squad looks as George Tenet and his his recent publisher sponsored dog and pony show.
As soon as At the Center of the Storm: My Years at the CIA hit the bookshelves, Mr Tenet hit the ground running, so as to justify the 4 million dollar advance he was paid. His media appearances have been provocative and titillating, implying incompetence, double dealing, skulduggery and more than a few behind the scene White House machinations.
The Clinton era appointee’s roadshow performances wouldn’t be complete without the requisite (pained) embracing of victim status, and in that regard, Mr Tenet doesn’t let us down. He is the noble hero fighting the dragons of terror and Al Qaeda, always hampered by a plotting and scheming White House and other political influences.
This is not to say that Mr Tenet was incompetent- far from it. He did his job, as defined by the rules of the game at the time, very well.
That said, by his own admission, the rules changed. Problem was, he didn’t. Even after he issued a warning in1998 concerning the potential dangers Al Qaeda posed (after years of watching that group), the CIA under his direction failed to react to this new kind of threat.
Instead, Tenet is blaming the Bush administration for all kinds of intelligence failures.
In the end, while there is plenty of blame to go around, the tragic events of 9/11 and even the war in Iraq were predicated on the best intelligence, or lack of intelligence we had at the time.
In the intelligence community, information is power. The more information one has, the greater the influence. The moment that information is shared, power becomes diluted. In an environment like Washington, power and defending turf is everything. It is a way of life- one that can have a direct impact on the welfare of the nation.
The Sanity Squad podcast- organic brilliance.