The SC&A Graduation Address

Congratulations, graduates of the Class of 2007.

The dumbed-down institutions of higher learning that took large amounts of federal funds on your behalf, have left you behind the eight ball, with not a whole lot to show for that debt. Let that be your first lesson in the real world. Caveat Emptor.

In addition to being in the hole, you are in fact, ill educated and ill equipped to deal with the future. You are about to step into the mystery that holds your future, with nothing more than a piece of paper you can pretend is real sheepskin and a complete and utter lack of common sense or the ability to think for yourselves. How did this happen to most of you?

There answer to that question can be found in two parts. The first can be found right behind you. That’s right, everyone turn around and look behind you at mom and dad.

Mom and dad have managed to screw the lot of you because for the most part, mom and dad are idiots. They may have meant well, but that won’t undo the damage they have done. Mom and dad believed that toilet training, which most, if not all of you have managed to accomplish, made you special. Mom and dad told you that everything you did, made you special. In fact, most of you went to public schools believing that you deserved high grades, because you were special. After all, that is what mom and dad told you.

When some of you didn’t get those high grades, some of your mothers and fathers went to school, demanding that the offending grades be changed, because after all, you were special. The fact that even though some of you would not be able to make change from a dollar for another few years, was irrelevant. A new TV in your room and a $400 scooter would go a long way to assuage the trauma of expectations. When you finally settled into you cable enhanced trance, mom and dad got off their fat asses and actually exerted effort directed at something that did not involve food, money, sex or mirrors. They hired lawyers and sued the teachers that ‘disrespected’ you. That bitch teacher that mom and dad said hated you, only introduced fractions and spelling to embarrass you.

The other reason you are ill equipped to deal with the future can be found in front of you. That’s right- turn around, stop blowing bubbles and touching yourselves because you are bored and look behind me, on the stage.

The professors and assistant professors at this institution of mediocrity are the other reason you are destined for a life of failure and misery. They were delighted to know you were admitted to university knowing nothing. If you can’t think for yourself by the age of 18, their job in indoctrinating you in utterly useless ideologies and getting you to drop your pants, is made all that much easier. Most of you will leave here believing that awareness of the magnificence of your penis or vagina is the most important part of your college education, followed by the belief that George Bush is the devil incarnate or at the very least, the president channels the spirit of Adolph Hitler.

Your professors have also left you with the idea that the world is a terrible place because democratic societies have supplanted socialist societies and that terror is not only an acceptable, but necessary form of political expression. Of course, that only applies when the terror is directed at free societies. When terror is directed at repressive societies by reformists seeking change and an end to repression, well, that is terror.

While your parents may have been a bit concerned about the last four years of binge drinking, your professors couldn’t be happier! The more docile and hung over you were, the easier it was to a) teach you nothing or b) teach you the crap that reflects their own ideological beliefs. That didn’t matter to you of course, because you learned quickly that if you shared the same beliefs of the professor, you got an ‘A.’ If you didn’t share those beliefs, you didn’t get an ‘A.’

If you brought home lots of ‘A’s’ mom and dad would fork over more money. After all, all those ‘A’s’ meant you were special.

Today, we will give a real four year education. Pay attention and stop touching yourselves.

So as to keep your attention, we’ll start with sex.

Your penis or vagina does not impart ’special’ status on your sex partners. Your penis or vagina are remarkably unremarkable. A whole lot of people are better than you at sex now, than you will ever be. It is a certainty that someone will note that you were horrible in bed- and they will be telling no lies.

Spending hours upon hours debating whether or not steel melts only highlights your own stupidity. How the hell do you think steel is made? It is poured, you morons! Let this be a lesson to you: just because you read something on Kos or a professor said something is so, doesn’t make it so. Have you ever wondered why the professors who spew the stupidity that so mesmerizes you, aren’t teaching at Cambridge, Harvard or MIT? Ask yourself why the students who pack Ward Churchill lectures aren’t even grad students? Have you ever wondered why your professors don’t ask those same questions?

As taxpayers, we adults- besides your parents that are in blissful denial as it relates to your mediocrity- have made peace with the reality that our tax money will not change the fact that you are barely educable and literate. There are no silk purses from a sow’s ear. The average reading level of college graduates hovers somewhere between 8th and 9th grade. That means half of you cannot read at that level. Now, turn around again and look at mommy and daddy. See their smile? That means they are going to buy you something to help you get over the trauma of being confronted by the reality that many of you can barely read.

Remember this: The fact that most of you are idiots does not mean that your opinions are of any merit whatsoever. Mommy and daddy may have to put up with your drivel, because you know, you are so ’special,’ but we do not. Quoting Kos, Democratic Underground and Wonkette as the basis of your fundamental political beliefs only highlights the truth that you cannot think for yourselves. On the intellectual evolutionary scale you resemble flies, attracted and driven insane levels of arousal by horse shit. If you experience even a moment of insight and clarity, pray there is a God that can save and redeem your sorry souls. Believe fervently in miracles, so that you too can be plucked from the Sea of Stupidity, to live a full and meaningful life, out from under the ether.

Most of you have not really read Shakespeare or Elisabeth Barret Browning. They are not now passe, having been replaced by Fifty Cent, Snoop Dog or Eminem. Notorious B.I.G was not the equivalent of John Lennon. Popular culture is a mirror. In your case, the culture reflected back to you is a tribute to stupid. You respond to stupid because you are stupid. Your college education catered to your stupidity. If that were not so, you would be graduating from an Ivy League school.

Instead, you will take solace in your self esteem and scoreless soccer ‘everybody gets a trophy because you are so special’ prizes. You will come to depend on mommy and daddy to bail you out of the mortgage you won’t be able to pay because you bought too many matching and coordinating ‘Bed in Bag’ sets you saw on the Home Makeover series on TV.

You will participate in intelligent political discussion by reminding everyone that John Kerry was in Vietnam You don’t know the capital of Vietnam, but hey, what does that matter? YOU, are SPECIAL.

Now, pay attention because we are going to teach you something of value. We are going to tell you about Iraq. Shut up and listen and stop touching yourselves. Do not engage us in a debate, because we, like most rocks, are smarter than you. We know bigger words than you and we have forgotten more than you will ever know. Even the fidgeting professors behind us know better than to screw with us.

Saddam Hussein was not a nice man. Saddam Hussein did not have any visible weapons of mass destruction when we went into Iraq. That is not to say he didn’t have them- it is to say they were moved. Bill Clinton said there were WMD’s. Remember him?

Put your hands down, we’re not taking questions. This isn’t kindergarten graduation, so you can hold it in a bit longer. You will listen to us and when we are done, you will be less of an idiot. Or you can choose not to listen and remain the jumbo, whopper sized moron you are now.

That Saddam Hussein had no visible WMD’s at the time we went in is irrelevant. That’s like saying Charlie Manson should have gotten a free pass because he got rid of his guitar and painted school bus, after going Iron Chef on Sharon Tate and the La Biancas.

Saddam Hussein produced and used weapons of mass destruction. By every account, including the UN’s, Saddam could have reconstituted his WMD programs at any time. Saddam buried much of his WMD hardware components- equipment used to produce chemical, biological and nuclear WMD- in secret places. No one buries and hides equipment used in the manufacture of Playdough, Etch a Sketch or Samira Homemaker Pita toy ovens.

Buried WMD components do not produce flowers or fruit. The only reason to bury WMD program hardware is to hide that hardware.

Saddam Hussein had not reformed and turned into an Arab Mother Teresa. Saddam Hussein displayed no contrition and did not choose to mend his ways. Saddam Hussein did support terror and terrorists and Saddam Hussein did maintain contact with Al Qaeda.

We did not say that Saddam had anything to do with 9/11.

Neither did George Bush say it.

That said, what do you think the odds are that Saddam would have warned the US, if had advance knowledge of that terrible attack?

Do you believe the man that attempted to assassinate a US president, ran a network of rape rooms and then went on to gas his own people, would have the best interests of his hated enemy, the United States, at heart?

Are you that stupid? Some of you would bet on Saddam? And you want to know why you didn’t get into Harvard? Do you understand now why only this institution of lower learning and pissant professors would have you?

The whole world, including the multicultural UN, believed Saddam had either WMD’s, WMD programs or components to manufacture WMD’s. Got that?

Are you beginning to see just how stupid you really are? Don’t turn around. Mommy and Daddy can’t help you now.

The most vociferous defense of Saddam Hussein came from countries that had the most to fear from a free Iraq- Arab countries. A full court press was utilized in the attempt to keep the liberation of Iraq from happening. Arab countries feared- and still fear- that a free and democratic Iraq might serve to undermine their own regimes.

Think about this, you idiot graduates of this mediocre institution. For decades, Arab countries tightly controlled the movement of people within their borders. No one left, no one came in, unless allowed to. How is it that so many ‘foreign fighters’ are managing to make their way across borders, to make their way into Iraq, ‘without the knowledge of their governments’? At the same time, the ancient communities of Jews and Christians cannot seem to make their way out of regimes that persecute them and effectively hold them hostage. Jews and Christians cannot escape to find refuge, while terrorists seem to have travel passes to wherever they wish to go.

Countries that espouse tyranny are not equal to civilizations that espouse freedom. Their values and interests are not the same as ours. That applies to Hugo Chavez, too. If you think otherwise, ask mommy and daddy to send you to Venezuela for a while, to live among the ‘people.’ Don’t forget your AK-47.

Now that you have an obscured awareness of reality (real understanding will probably elude you forever), leave these these hallowed halls of learning and go on to demonstrate and throw rocks at Starbucks, McDonald’s and KFC at the next G-7 Summit.

We are sure your knowledge of the economics of globalization far exceeds your knowledge of Iraq and the War of Terror.

We will take questions, after lunch.

You do not merit our missing a meal. You really aren’t that special.