MHNN (New York)- Correspondents for the Mental Health News Network (MHNN) were present for the inaugural session of Dr Sanity’s group therapy session of dysfunctional Arab leaders. The author of Carnival of the Insanities, Patrica M Santy (PMS), is a former NASA organic waste in space disposal specialist. She is the first western trained mental health specialist to attempt to deal with the world renowned dysfunctions of Arab leaders.

As we noted last week, MHNN will not directly identify the Arab and Middle Eastern leaders of the group by name to protect patient confidentiality and patient rights. This kind of anonymity in no way diminishes what happens in these group therapy sessions- secret video recordings of each session can be found on Ebay.

PMS: Group, settle down. This week we have two additional members to the group, the dysfunctional leader from Libya and the dysfunctional leader from Sudan. Introduce yourselves to the group, gentlemen.

Unidentified Leader from Sudan: For your big talk and oil money, you guys are nothing. You talk jihad, I live jihad. I’m the Ray Kroc of jihad. Two million dead and counting.

Unidentified Leader from Palestine: Shut up. You are a minor league butcher. It isn’t as if you’ve killed any Jews. It’s the Jews that count.

PMS: Please, we have serious work to. Let’s not get off track.

Unidentified Leader from Libya: I don’t like your racist attitude, unidentified loser from Palestine. Jihad is Jihad. Jews, Christians, Hindus, it doesn’t matter. A dead kaffir is a dead kaffir. You are just upset because you think black dead kaffirs aren’t worth as many virgins as white dead kaffirs, you racist pig. No wonder the kaffir Christians want to live in Israel and not in Gaza or any other Arab non African Arab nation. You are all racists!

Unidentified Leader from Palestine: As the Prophet said, shut your shriveled raisin black ass self up.

PMS: OK, that’s enough for now.

Unidentified Leader from Iran: Hello, my name is___ and I’m the dysfunctional leader from Iran.

PMS: Shut up. We covered this last week. You are a little Napoleon complex type pipsqueak. Do you really think hanging around with short North Koreans is going to make you look taller? Do you really believe that buying a big rocket is going to take attention away from those size 6 elevator shoes you wear? Do you realize that even with your sitting on the phone book, you are still the shortest person on the room?

Other Unidentified Leader from Palestine: She’s right you know. It is hard to miss those tiny hands, too. Sunni men don’t have that problem, just Shia.

Unidentified Leader from Syria: As an Alawite and pretend Sunni Muslim, I’d have to agree. I really like visiting the unidentified leader from Iran because I look so much bigger in the official photos. The wife likes it too, if you know what I mean. She wishes I went away every week.

PMS: Enough already. There’s an old saying- if you have to talk about it, you aren’t getting any.

Unidentified Leader from Libya: I get plenty.

Unidentified Leader from Iran: From who? All those women you have guarding you are virgins!

PMS: You know, we could take this opportunity to discuss the way women are treated in your respective nations…

Unidentified Leader from Palestine: Are you a Jew? Why else would you be so fixated on Arabs and on how Arabs treat their beloved women. You westerners do not understand how to treat women. We have survived for a thousand years, beating our women when necessary.

PMS: What does ‘beating our women when necessary’ mean?

Other Unidentified Leader from Palestine: Allow me to explain. My backward brethren will tell you that wife beating only occurs when a wife will not mind her husband. For example, if a women complains that her husband need go out and earn a living for her and the children, he has the right to beat her if her demands interfere with his search for a second, third or fourth wife. ‘Interviewing’ prospective spouses can be exhausting.

Unidentified Leader from Iran: Not for Shia men. Good things come in small packages.

Other Unidentified Leader from Palestine: Shut up, you pipsqueak. You have caused enough trouble here and in Lebanon. If I had my way, I’d cut your stubby pencil myself.

Clearly Dr Sanity, you can see what I’m up against. Will you please recommend that America and Israel send us money and aid so that we might establish our own, lesser dysfunctional state? We so much want to establish ourselves in the region as viable Arab nation and be a shining example to others in the region.

Unidentified Leader from Palestine: Look, Dr Sanity is a Jew. She has ulterior motives. Her entire life is devoted to persecuting and ruining the lives of Arabs. That is what their Holy books say.

PMS: You have to be the dumbest idiot out there. Do you really believe that Jews all over the world wake up every day and say, ‘What can I do to screw an Arab today?’ No, they don’t think about making a living, paying their mortgage, sending their kids to school and getting good grades. They don’t think about their families, friends, neighborhood and community. They are totally focused on screwing Arabs. Why, without Arabs, Jews would have nothing to live for.

Good thing those Jews are so inept. With all their efforts, power and conspiracies, it’s a miracle they haven’t gotten the banks and governments they control to wipe out the Arab tyrannies, dictators and tyrants.

Unidentified Leader from Syria: We may have to go to war this summer, to defend our honor and to humiliate the Jews.

Unidentified Leader from Sudan: Excellent idea! You can humiliate the Jews just like Hizbollah did in Lebanon. South Lebanon is cement dust, Beirut has no bridges and a broken infrastructure, but Hizbollah won. Good thinking, white boy. Remember this conversation as the Jew Jets fly over Damascus, causing you to soil your pants, again.

Unidentified Leader from Syria: I miss my father, I miss the massacres. I wish he had left me more Jews. I hate him for not leaving me more Jews. He never left me anything. Can we talk about him?

Other Unidentified Leader from Palestine: We don’t care about your father. Dr Sanity, will you recommend that America and Israel send us money and aid so that we might establish our own dysfunctional state? Do you want the Palestinias represented by the like of the Unidentified Leader from Palestine?

Unidentified Leader from Libya: You are all crazy. Like the guy in the Tostitos commercial, I know crazy. The only solution is a new state, Israstine. That’s pretty funny, an Arab state ending with the name ‘stine!’ I just crack myself up sometimes!

Unintelligible yelling

PMS: This session has been most revealing- and that’s a good thing.

Unidentified Leader from Palestine: Don’t camouflage the real issues. You are either a Jew or a Christian. Therefore, we are obligated to kill you. Please, don’t take it personally.

Unidentified Leader from Sudan: Just to clarify, you get the same number of virgins for killing black Jews and Christians as you do for killing white Jews and Christians.

Unidentified Leader from Palestine: I also want to add, for the record, that I am most hurt by those who disrespect our religion by insisting that we do not have a right to slaughter those God instructs us to kill. We are the real victims here. If white Europeans would has allowed Hitler, peace be upon him, to finish what he started, we would not find ourselves in such a mess. Once again, white Europeans are responsible for our disasters.

PMS: As I was saying, this session has been most interesting.

Unidentified Leader from Palestine: We will kill you. We will finish what Hitler started and kill the Jews, wherever we might find them. We will impose Sharia Law and kill anyone who takes an adversarial view. We were elected, democratically. We have a mandate. We are as civilized as you are. We will undo the injustices done to us.

PMS: Let’s go play ECT again, you psychopathic bastard. The rest of you have more homework. Read Carnival of the Insanities.

Group starts to cheer.

Nest week, MHNN will publish the final transcripts from the group therapy session of dysfunctional Arab leaders.

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