August 5, 2007
The slew of athletes and Hollywood starlets gone wild has led many Americans to question the culture that has produced so many caricatures of ‘what is an American.’
Are drunkenness, substance abuse, narcissistic feelings of entitlement and tantrums a integral part of the Hollywood culture and environment? That question is easily answered- some of the most popular television programming revolves around ‘entertainment news.’ The coverage of tattoos, bad mothering, clothing malfunctions, driving under the influence and horrific clothing and makeup selections is now reported around the clock.
Dr Sanity, author of Carnival Of The Insanities, has announced her latest project in service to the nation. The former organic waste in space disposal specialist (She still holds the NASA record for most organic waste samples ever collected), has announced that she will establish and oversee the day to day operations of a new rehabilitation facility for celebrities.
The facility will be known as The Camp.
Residents will follow a strict regimen of individual therapy, group therapy, work, ECT treatments and medications designed to induce paranoia, irrational fear and panic whenever deliberate bad choices or public expressions that are in poor taste are about to be maid.
The kinds of therapy employed by the staff of the institute are unconventional. For the most part, patients are not allowed to speak. Dr Sanity has noted that
They have already spoken to us ad nauseum, with their bad behavior and bad choices. They have done enough talking and blaming their mother for everything that has gone wrong in their lives. Now it’s time for them to listen.
The therapy is novel. Rather than discuss ‘issues,’ with these spoiled and dysfunctional Hollywood types, the therapist dictates to the patient what is expected of them and what is considered appropriate behavior. Since each patient is fitted with a ‘correction collar’ that administers ‘reflection time,’ the patient quickly learns to follow along.
The group therapy sessions are a continuation of the theme, with each member of the group voting upon a different documented ‘worst possible behavior’ with the entire group voting on who should get the ‘reflection time.’
Each patient will be assigned real jobs, reflective of work in the real world. The facility has replicated a bus station’s mens room that patients will cleaned. There is a cotton field and there are kitchen facilities without dishwashers or non stick pots and pans. There are barns and pens that are used to raise various farm animals that will be tended to and then slaughtered by the patients, to be given away to less fortunate people.
Residents will be encouraged to report on those not carrying their weight for additional ‘reflective time.’
Patients will be taught how to clean up after themselves, how to cook their own food and how to be polite and kind to others. In the event that patients are found lacking in any of these areas, ‘reflection time’ will be an integral part of the therapy.
The program includes a two year follow up and monitoring program with correction collar and additional ‘reflection time’ as the focal point.
It may be a while before all the licensing requirements are met, but let’s be honest- this the kind of facility for Hollywood stars we’d love to see.
Until the proposed rehab facility opens it’s doors, Carnival Of The Insanities will have to suffice as the ground zero for reality.