Shirtless In Paris And Novosibirsk

MHNN (New York)- After two weeks of consultations with the governments of France and Russia, the Mental Health News Network (MHNN) sat down with Pat M Santy (PMS), author of Carnival Of The Insanities, to discuss her meetings (COTI is second only to the Presidents Daily Briefing in must reads for world leaders) . Presidents Nicolas Sarkozy and Vladimir Putin also joined the conversation.

The invitation to Santy came about after she met with Sarkozy in Kennebunkport, Maine. George W Bush introduced the two just prior to going outside to haul rocks on the beach. When asked why he wanted to move rocks, the president remarked he was looking for Blackbeard’s treasure. Stunned reporters looked on and the President started to laugh and said,

I was just kidding. I need the exercise. Besides, I left my chain saw in Waco.

Santy agreed to travel to Paris, France to consult with Sarkozy and his new government. From there, she headed off to a Siberian vacation resort in Novosibirsk to meet with Vladimir Putin.

MHNN- How do you like France? Do you like French cheese? French wine?

PMS- France is nice. Lots of cheese, lots of wine. It isn’t hard to understand why no one gets any work done.

MHNN- How would you characterize your relationship with President Sarkozy?

PMS- First, allow me to thank President Sarkozy for the invitation to France. Now, my relationship with President Sarkozy is excellent. In fact, our relationship has improved with each bottle of wine. Things really took off when I suggested to Nicolas that he take off his shirt.

MHNN- Wasn’t that a bit forward of you?

Nicolas Sarkozy- Don’t be an idiot. Madame Sarkozy was there. The idea is that by taking off my shirt, I would symbolically more open and less prone to disguising my real feelings. Don’t you watch Oprah or Dr Phil?

MHNN- Was the suggestion helpful?

Nicolas Sarkozy- of course it was. As soon as my shirt came off, madame Sarkozy and I excused ourselves for a few minutes- we are after all, French!

MHNN- You excused yourselves only ‘for a few minutes’?

Nicolas Sarkozy- Pay attention! As I said, we are after all, French!

PMS- I for one was glad. I needed a break from the chunk of Roquefort and goose liver pate an hour routine.

MHNN- What did you discuss?

PMS- We talked about the Middle East, cheese, Afghanistan, coq au vin, Iraq, brioche, NATO, pate, the EU and tarte aux noisettes. We didn’t want to get bogged down, so when we took our breaks, we lightened the mood with a nice Tarte aux Poires et Frangipane and then some crepes.

MHNN- It seems the French president was most considerate. Did you also discuss Russia?

Vladimir Putin- Allow me to jump in here. I too, was shirtless, though unlike my pansified French colleague, my discussions with Dr Santy were more straightforward. I have to admit, she does not intimidate easily. By the way, I left with Mrs Putin for four hours. After all, I am Russian!

Nicolas Sarkozy- Is that how long it took you to catch her?

PMS- Vladimir, Nicolas, don’t go there, please.

Vladimir Putin- OK. Anyway, every time I tried to put the squeeze on, I’d send a few bombers to buzz the American coastline. PMS didn’t flinch! Then, we’d laugh and share a bottle of vodka. We went through 8 cases!

MHNN- That’s very funny, President Putin. Did you dine as well as the French?

Vladimir Putin- Of course we did, but none of that sissified food. We had bear, reindeer and a gaggle of Chechins.

(Silence)

I’m just kidding about the Chechins!

MHNN- OK, what came about as the result of these consultations with Dr Santy?

Nicolas Sarkozy- Mostly, we came to the realization that ‘political shirtlessness’ is the way to go. There comes a point where we have to be upfront about dealing with our problems. We have had a relatively quiet summer in France because I made it clear that troublemakers would be dealt with severely. I made it clear that I would not hold back the police for the sake of political correctness and that entire families and imams who preach violence would be deported back to where they came from. Like Vladimir says, ‘they had a come to Jesus moment and they came to Jesus.’ No troubles this summer.

Vladimir Putin- Well, we Russians have a long history of shirtless politics. Just ask the Chechins. They wanted to play and they were made to pay. We’re doing the same thing to the Iranians. They were so smart- smart enough that we Russians are now in control of all their natural gas!

MHNN- Dr Santy, how would you characterize your meetings?

PMS- Overall, I would have to say our meetings were productive. Look, everyone has an agenda and at the same time, everyone we are all living in the same neighborhood. Terror affects us all and the threats emanating from the Middle East are in reality, pointed at all of us. We did have a terrifying moment when Ismail Haniyeh and Khalid Mashaal of Hamas offered to take their shirts off and join us.

MHNN- What happened?

PMS- Well, both Nicolas and Vladimir scared them off.

MHNN- How?
PMS- They told Haniyeh and Mashaal there were initiation rites. They would have to denounce their beast-like behavior and adopt a more civilized kind of behavior. That was too big a step for them to take.

MHNN- How did the meetings end?

PMS- We all agreed to meet monthly to discuss world events and the Carnival Of The Insanities. That will always be the starting off point for our meetings.