What Teddy’s Endorsement Really Means

Gender Peculiarities And Understanding The Dance

Men and women are different psychologically because they are different biologically. We know this to be the case because biology has been shown to play a pivotal role in the perceptions we have of ourselves and our identity, both as individuals and as members of society.

One of the great ‘culture wars’ of the last century has been fought over gender identity. Differences in human biology were minimized or eradicated entirely. There is entire generation that has been taught that what is good for men is good for women and what is good for women is good for men. As a result, the reality that men and women have different needs is ignored. What separates men and women, according to the cultural dogma 0f this western new world order, is gender as defined by sexual organs only.

There are of course, other truths. Men spend most of their lives focused on leaving a mark, a legacy of some kind. They need to prove that their existence matters.

Women are different. They have a sense of worth and validity men do not have, primarily because biology dictates that they create and nurture. Women instead find their self worth in seeking recognition for who they are and what they mean to others.

(It is at this point that we wish to note we are speaking in generalities only. There are plenty of successful women achievers and plenty of nurturing men. We are painting with broad brush strokes so as to make clear the broader picture)

Boys come to understand and define their gender and identity by leaving their mothers. Boys are taught that they are not just like mother and in fact, must be different than mother to be boys. They detach to find their masculine identity.

Girls on the other hand, are taught to identify with their mother and as they mature, they develop deep attachments to their mothers (Harvard psychologist Carol Gilligan, author of In A  Different Voice discusses these issues and the role biology plays in the moral development of children).

As we noted, feminine identity is most easily recognized by attachment and relating to mother (or maternal figures). Detachment for women is a much more difficult exercise.  Masculine identity has it’s origins in detachment from mother. That detachment comes relatively easily for healthy boys. On the other hand, that encouragement to detach leaves boys with a lesser ability to relate. For better or worse, these are the issues that help define gender identity.

Any observer of children can easily recognize that a rule, boys tend to be more competitive and rule governed. Competition fosters independence and individual achievement. Rules make conflict mediation easy, so game can continue. Strict rules work in concert with competition. Who is faster or stronger can be easily measured if the playing field  is level. Boys and men measure themselves with achievement.

It is also true that girls less competitive. They are at once more cooperative and more importantly at the same time, more concerned with feelings and even less concerned with rules. These qualities are absolutely needed to nurture. For example, when nurturing requires ‘breaking the rules,’ girls have no problem breaking the rules. An even playing field is the last things girls care about.

It ironic to note that young girls reaching puberty and early teenage years are inundated with the message that being a girl is being less than being ‘whole’ and that ‘wholeness’ is found in pursuing the same endeavors as boys. This idea, force fed to girls by way of popular culture and education has yielded tragic results. Overnight it seems, they have to learn new rules and compete in a game their in which their biology has not prepared them.

This of course places women in an almost no win, catch-22 position.

In defining humankind with a one size fits all parameter, popular culture has unfairly put an onerous burden on women.

We understand the qualities that define adulthood and maturity are many, not the least of which are independent and autonomous thinking, logical thinking and responsible actions and behaviors. These are masculine traits. They are measured and played out on a level playing field.

Women have become trapped by current culture. They can choose to be masculine and ‘adult’ or they can remain women and be perceived as less than their male counterparts. Popular culture and education have demanded that woman be both male and female and excoriate those who cannot ‘pull it off.’ As a result, a whole generation has come to deceive themselves and others, masquerading as anyone other than who they really are. This is a huge burden that has huge consequences. All too often, women who have chosen to be caretakers and nurturers are defined as deficient in their own moral development.

We know that boys and men need to achieve and accomplish to express their ‘natural selves.’ They do so via logical and fair rules, by way of defined and concrete actions. We also know that women are more naturally connected to others. They more easily focus on relationships and relating to others. Their natural empathy and intuitiveness (a biological function of nurturing) is decidedly not masculine in nature.

(It is at this point that we wish to reiterate that we are speaking in generalities only. There are plenty of successful women achievers and plenty of nurturing men. We are painting with broad brush strokes so as to make clear the broader picture)

Because we are less aware of who we are as men and women (with distinctions often blurred), the chasm between the sexes has deepened. At the beginning of the 21st century, it would appear as if we know more about physical chemistry than we do about human chemistry.

With men less sure of their own identity (‘a child doesn’t need a father’) the quest for a more clear identity has taken on Quixotic proportions.

Men have always desired respect. If they didn’t get it, well, those were the breaks. Nowadays, many men demand respect simply by virtue of their existence (not unlike women ‘demanding’ special recognition by virtue of their anatomy). ‘I was dissed’ has been the cause of a whole lot of violence.

Real respect is of course, earned. Men want to earn respect because they ‘figured it out’ for themselves. The lessons learned can be big (‘check out the house addition I put up’) or small (‘I told you I’d get you there), but in the end, men are gratified because they solved a problem by themselves (‘I can put up a house addition too’ or ‘I can get you there just as well as anyone else).

Women may roll their eyes at that kind of bravado. They ask, what’s the big deal about asking advice? Women ask for advice all the time, why can’t men?

Men are hurt- and will react accordingly- when advice, instructions or suggestions offered by a woman are perceived a statement of lack of respect or the lack of confidence a woman might have in the man’s ability to ‘figure it out.’ When a man is sure of a woman’s respect for him, he has no trouble asking and even seeking out her advice.

On the other hand, a man who demands ‘Respect me because of who I am and because of anything I might do or not do’ is the sky writing sized statement of a man with no self esteem. Sadly, there are no shortage of men so poorly endowed. The identity confusion wrought by popular culture has also guaranteed that there are no shortage of women who will willing pair up with such ‘men.’

How that came about is no mystery. With gender roles uncertain, there have been generations of men and women who cannot identify with a healthy relationship. Some women grew up very unhappy, with male figures who harshly dominated them. Some of those woman will follow in the same footsteps and allow themselves to be dominated and live a very unhappy life. Others will choose to ‘protect’ themselves and select only men they can dominate. They too are destined to live a very unhappy life.

Many women today find identity in being the victim or the aggressor. There are few more profound tragedies for women today and the children they nurture.

Both men and women need positive role models to fortify and validate who they are.Those role models aren’t only of the same sex. Men and women need to look to each to other to make the glove fit.

Women need to look up to men and men must make the effort to make women feel wanted and cherished.

Men must come to understand that there they can express their love and caring in ways other than by solving problems. They must learn that women don’t necessarily want to solve the problem and be done with it. Often, they want to discuss the issues surrounding the problem. Women know when other women want advice or when they want to discuss and examine the issues that surround the problem. Men are used to rules and level playing fields. These are skills that must be learned. If a man does not immediately respond, it does not mean he doesn’t care. Women need to be clear when they need help to fix a problem and when they need to vent.They also need to be clear on how they communicate. A guy can sit at a bar all night long, talking to a disinterested bartender and be perfectly happy with little or no meaningful exchange.

Women need to understand that when men feel secure and respected they will ask for advice and intimacy. While women have experience with relating, a more complex and ethereal reality, men have experience with achieving, usually an individual endeavor with defined rules and a level playing field. A man does not necessarily need for a woman to wax eloquent on her respect for him. Conversely, a man who simply acknowledges a woman’s need for communication and then doesn’t engage in the kind of exchange she expects might be in for a pretty miserable evening. Women need to teach men how to respond to their emotional needs. Unlike women, men did not develop those skills in the schoolyard or lunchroom.

Women feel fulfilled and will respond best if they feel cherished, recognized, appreciated and acknowledged for who they are.

Men feel fulfilled and respond best when they feel needed and respected, when they believe they have an important role to play- to leave a mark or legacy. If properly developed and encouraged, men will direct their efforts to make their legacy their family.

Still, it bears remembering that while there is plenty of crossover, what makes men and women tick are different.

A woman’s sense of self is most often defined by those aspects of nurturing such as feelings, relationships, communication and connectivity with others, even when she also highly capable, competent and logical.

A man’s sense of self can most often be defined by respect trust, acceptance, admiration and encouragement, even when is also nurturing, gentle and caring.

Out identities are not zero sum games. We can be who we are and at the same time, possess the attributes we attribute to others.

Men are more reluctant to give or ask for advice. Women ask for and give advice freely because their need to ‘relate’ trumps a man’s need to go it alone.

A man who believes a woman is trying to remake them will resist, because while she sees her efforts as improving him, he perceives himself as not being good enough or even as a failure. Men who believe they are part of a solution to a problem will jump on board and cooperate.

Both men and women who do not feel appreciated will turn outward . If he doesn’t feel good, he gets involved in sports or hobby that keeps him away from home and family. Id she doesn’t feel appreciated, she will turn to her friends for what she can’t get. In either case, home and family suffer.

While men have no problem with believing they are deserving of respect, women often do not believe they deserve to have their needs met. They want to be told they are worthy not only of having their needs met, but even more [authors' note: My grandmother used to say that the most wonderful thing my grandfather ever said to her came in the form a promise: 'If there is a 'next time around,' I'll make you a wedding worthy of a Princess, because you deserve it and besides, every young girl deserved to be a princess. I think of those things, you know.']

When the communicating and relating to others hits a pothole, women become vulnerable to feeling rejected and abandoned. Men have to be aware of that. Men fear failure, incompetence and abandonment, too. When women they are close to are unhappy, men often feel like failures, believing it is their job to keep women happy.

Whether we care to admit it or not, our biology dictates a whole lot of our psychology. The emotional need of women help define their identity. Women are more caring and  understanding than men and they always have a need to connect. They need devotion,  reassurance,  validation and appreciation if they are to be who they are meant to be.

Men need to conquer and achieve and leave a mark. They want to be respected, trusted and encouraged.

It’s that simple- and that complex. At least now you know the parameters.