Her piece, Marry Him! looks behind the curtain of romance. She makes a case for reality- “settling for Mr. Good Enough” as opposed to Mr Perfect may be just what the doctor ordered.
“Is it better to be alone, or to settle? My advice is this: Settle!”
The advice she offers women like herself is practical, straightforward and easily understood. There comes a time when you have to deal with realities on the menu of life. By 40, she had not found her perfect knight shining armor and the ticking of the biological clock was now pounding as it was winding down.
Ask any soul-baring 40-year old single heterosexual woman what she longs for in life, and she probably won’t tell you it’s a better career, or a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely she will say that what she really wants is a husband (and by extension a child.)
Gottlieb responded like many women of a certain age do, and became a single parent. While she does not regret her decision, being a single parent has made her realize what life and family are really all about- and the last adjective that can be used when talking about life and family is “perfect.”
Ms Gottlieb has discovered a long lost idea, represented by a word Hollywood and popular culture has tried to bury- practicality. She comes to realize that the practical acceptance of reality and imperfection- her own and those of others- can trump the romantic ideal Hollywood media and popular culture have created. She comes to understand what most of us know, that idealized romance is in no way equal is satisfaction, fulfillment and meaning that comes when a relationship that is built over time and has overcome obstacles, both individual and shared. That kind of relationship, tested and then tested again, is one that is truly cherished. The labor and efforts that go into building a relationship that houses real commitment and dedication to family is pricelsss beyond measure.
Gottlieb is in unfamiliar territory even as awareness bathes her. She notes that
By 40, if you get a cold shiver down your spine at the thought of embracing a certain guy, but you enjoy his company more than anyone else’s, is that settling or making an adult compromise?
I realize that if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I’m at the age where I’ll likely need to settle for someone who is settling for me. What I and many women who hold out for true love forget is that we won’t always have the same appeal that we may have had in our 20’s and early 30’s…With my nonworking life consumed by thoughts of potty training and playdates, I’ve become a far less interesting person.
While Ms Gottlieb may believe she is a bit less interesting to some of her peers, she is fascinating to her child, that wonderful creature who she will help shape. While one may in a sense feel a certain sadness for Ms Gottlieb’s situation, one can also admire her candor and honesty. She certainly conveys a positive message about marriage, life and reality. She is no armchait quaterback. She has been on the field and played in the big game. The lessons she has learned and passes on have been hard earned.
Still, it seems as if Lori Gottlieb, for all her insight and experience, is reluctant to leave the field.
The more it behooves a woman to settle, the less willing she is to settle; a woman in her mid- to late 30’s is more discriminating that one in her 20’s…Her tastes ans sense of self are more solidly formed…The dating pool has dwindled dramatically and … the few available men tend to require far more of a concession than those who were single when we were younger.
There is a part of Gottlieb that still sees ’settling’ or rather the application of pratical and real values, as a ‘concession.’ Rather than acknowledge her own new found awareness as elevating, she sees that awareness as limiting. In fact, discriminating for the right man, flaws notwithstanding, can liberate her. The chances for a successful, meaningful and fulfilling relationship has grown.
If younger women-and men- today were to heed the lessons learned by Gottlieb, they would be assured happier lives. Careers are important but in the end, while they may feed you, they cannot love you. Slavery to the gods of consumption, style and trends may be an intoxicant, but like all drugs, they wear off. There will come a time when you’ll yearn to break those shackles and seek real love and not another list of things to conquer or buy.
It bears repeating- there are no do overs, so getting it right matters. That is not to say we will always hit the nail on the head or that we will not stumble and fall. We will. The question lies in which efforts we fail. Will we fail in efforts that elevate us or will stumble in efforts that leave us empty and hollow?
There is a difference, of course. Still, Gottlieb sees only the black and white.
What makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way…Marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection – it’s about how having a teammate, even if he is not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all.
Ms Gottlieb cannot yet see what what every parent knows. The perfect relationship is a poor substitute for the relationship that is earned, developed and built upon. There are no satisfactions greater than the ones that are derived from overcoming obstacles. Think about- everyone you admire most have one thing in common. They have all overcome obstacles. That absolute truth applies to realtionships as well. The very best of relationships have been tested by fire and withstood great challenges. Our very best friends, those who have been with us through thick and thin, can testify to that.
When couples blessed with trials and tribulations they can overcome together, what was once thought of as ’settling’ in a relationship, becomes something very different. The expectations of marriage we have as individuals morphs into something profound. The ‘I’ in the relationship becomes the ‘We.’ That is not to say we lose our identity, In fact, just the opposite is true.
In such a a relationship, romance increases over time. As partners commit to each other and put their best efforts into building a common dream for a common good, the shared intimacy of shared values only brings them closer. The shared whispers of ‘we can do this’ are a powerful draw, The match may not have been perfect in the romantic sense, but time in a shared commitment extract something far deeper from within us.We see that every day. We noted
It is easy to see the beauty of our spouses, children and loved ones when they are healthy, charming and well dressed. It is not always so easy to see their beauty and uniqueness when that is not the case.
It is also true that sometimes, a person’s real inner beauty and strength are revealed when they face adversity. There are mothers and fathers that marvel at a child’s strength through a debilitating illness. What parent has not secretly proposed to God that they, and not their child, be stricken or afflicted? What parent has not agonized over the trials and tribulations that each child must endure at each and every stage of their lives?
There are husbands who see their wives in a way they had not understood, as those women fight cancers that are unique to their gender and impact how they see themselves as women. Those men come to see a beauty and dignity they had never known and marvel in a stricken spouse’s concern for them and their family. There are wives who have heard grown men, weakened by pain and despair, often in inarticulate and fumbling words that are nothing less than the sweetest poetry, profess their love and appreciation for the wives and family that have nurtured them.
It is at those times we see the real beauty of those who we love and those who love us. It is at those times that we come to understand the kind of love that is real commitment and loyalty.
None of those things are Hollywood’s ideal of romance and that is a good thing.
Love cannot be expressed or understood in a 90 minutes on the silver screen. Real love, with real imperfect characters, is far more profound and meaningful.
Love is not tied to beauty or physical attributes. Real love is learned with the passage of time. Real love is finally understood and cherished long after the physical beauty is gone.
