Sigmund, Carl and Alfred

MHNN (Ann Arbor, MI)-Dr Pat M Santy (PMS), renowned psychiatrist, expert on chemical sedatives and author of weekly Carnival Of The Insanities, was approached by both Clinton and Obama campaigns to address issues they were struggling with.

Santy, who has experience in dealing political figures of all kinds, agreed. Accompanying the candidate were their  spouses. When told that Chelsea Clinton would be sitting in on the session, the Obamas demanded their spiritual advisor, Jeremiah White also be included in the group. At first, Santy was reluctant but gave in after Michelle Obama noted her discomfort ‘being in a room with so many white folks.’ She told Santy she would feel less intimidated if there were an ‘equal number of blacks and white, at the very least.‘ She wanted to be on record as saying that there ought to have been been more blacks than white present, ‘so as to undo the injustices of white folk and equal the playing field.‘

At first, Santy demurred but the preacher threatened to preach, she gave agreed. She also gave the controversial preacher some Haldol and Zoloft with his coffee.

What follows is transcript of the conversation.

PMS- Welcome.

JW (Jeremiah Wright)- Welcome my ass. Why are we here? You need some cleaning and cooking done? You need some manual labor taken care of?

MO (Michelle Obama)- Pastor, we asked for this meeting-

JW- You did? Why didn’t you just come to me? You don’t need a shrink- It’s the white man who did this to you-

BO (Barack Obama)- Pastor, would you just be so kind enough to remain quiet until I call on you?

JW- Of course, Barack. I’m just under big stress. We’re moving from God’s House into the Big House in a Lilly white neighborhood and we’re just not ready. I mean living with whites- I get a headache just thinking about that! There is so much to do. We’ve got to deal with the Nation of Islam Painting crew, the Nation of Islam Plumbing Company, the Nation of Islam Heating and Cooling specialists, the Nation of Islam Custom Closet Company, the Nation of Islam Decorating Services, the Nation of Islam Floor Coverings-

BO- We get the picture, Reverend.

JW- Yes. So much to do, so many choices to make. And we’re talking tradespeople- who do you trust?

PMS- Hillary, you called because you were upset at the way you have been treated by the media lately.

HRC- I am upset-

JW- You should be upset, you lying white bitch-

(Room erupts. Calls to shut up are audible.)

HRC- Look, I just misspoke, OK? So I got carried away with something I said-

BC (Bill Clinton)- Do have to be such a drama queen? Do you always have to take center stage? It wasn’t as if you looked into a camera and said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” You did the same thing I did, you lied-

PMS- Let’s stay focused.

MO- The white bitch lied. The white bitches always lie. I know what she’s doing. Shes’ making a play for my man-

CC (Chelsea Clinton)- Can it, you freakazoid, affirmative action hanger on. You are just like my mom- your going to ride the ‘good time express’  on your husbands coatails and sooner or later, that man of yours is going to have to admit he rode the Obama Girl’s ‘good time express.’ The only difference is that he’ll look into the cameras and say the white girl really wanted it and Michelle will say it’s just another example of how white people tempt black men-

MO- Hey, that’s pretty good, Chelsea. I like it.

JW (moving hips)- Bill Clinton is gonna to Hillary what he did to Monica-

(Room erupts. Calls to shut up are audible.)

PMS- OK, Everybody calm down.

(Room settles down in a few moments)

PMS- Why did you lie about Kosovo, Hillary?

BC- Because I told her to. I told how hot that gets me-

PMS- Mr President, your daughter is in the room-

BC- She is?

HRC- I lied because it makes for a good speech and good speeches make for good sound bites on TV.

JW- That’s right! I do that all the time!

BO- Reverand, I asked you not to speak-

JW- I’m sorry. Look at me- Listening to a half white boy! Only in America is that possible!

(Room erupts. Calls to shut up are audible.)

PMS- Hillary isn’t the only one who lied-

BO- Mea culpa! Don’t you just love it when a black man uses big words and sounds white-

MO- Do you have to say that? Do you have to refer to the white part of you-

BO- But I am half white!

MO- Listen to me, you clueless idiot. You aren’t from the ‘hood. You grew up Lilly white. I may have married you because I wanted to move up, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get to be a victim, you dumbass. If you want everyone to believe that there can ever be a level playing field, what happens to the rest of us? We can’t be victims anymore and blame the white man for all our problem. Then what happens? You can move your half white sorry ass back to Kansas, but what about me?

JW- Tell him! Tell him!

PMS- Barack, you lied, too.You said you never knew about some of the more outrageous things Reverend Wright said. That clearly wasn’t true.

BO- Yes, but people have lower expectations of me. They get excited because I use phrases like ‘mea culpa‘- hardy ever heard in the ‘hood. That makes whites feel good about themselves, as if maybe the schools really aren’t failing-

MO- Would you just shut up with the ‘hood’ thing, you freaking half Hawaiin cracker?

BC- You’re awfully cute, Michelle.

MO- Thank you, Bill-

CC- Daddy! Not Now!

BC- You’re right, Chelsea. Let daddy fix it. Michelle, I take that back-

MO- You are such a white man, giving, taking, giving, taking-

PMS- Look, we need a lot more time-

JW- Just like you white folk! Keep taking time, lifetimes away from us blacks. It’s all your fault and it’s always the same. History repeats itself- Bill did to Monica-

(Room erupts. Calls to shut up are auduble.)

JW- I’m sorry. It’s the move into the white neighborhood that has me all stressed out-

CC- If the move into a white neighborhood is so stressful, why move there?

JW- Chesea, you foolish white child! Do you think I want to with all those n-

(Room erupts. Calls to shut up are auduble.)

PMS- OK, next week same time, same place-

(Room erupts. ‘We know! We know! Carnival Of The Insanities)

BC- Hey doc, you look pretty hot-

HRC- One more word, just one…

MC- You got Bill, I got Obama Girl. You know, we women are always victims…