Chelsea Sees The Light?

MHNN (Ann Arbor, MI)-As we reported last week, Dr Pat M Santy (PMS), renowned psychiatrist, expert on chemical sedation, restraints and author of weekly Carnival Of The Insanities, was approached by both Clinton and Obama campaigns to address issues they were struggling with.

Santy, who has experience in dealing political figures of all kinds, agreed to meet with their candidates, their spouses and figures close to them. Chelsea Clinton sat in on the session, as did Jeremiah White, the Obama spiritual adviser. As we reported, Dr Santy was reluctant to include outsiders but gave in after Michelle Obama noted her discomfort ‘being in a room with so many white folks.’

Responding to requests, Dr Santy did agree to provide refreshments for the group. She did inform the candidates that group therapy was different from the ‘green rooms’ provided by media, but her remarks seemed to go unheard.

What follows a transcript of the conversation of the second group session.

PMS- Welcome.

BC (Bill Clinton)- Yeah, OK. Where are the hostesses? There are no hostesses.

JW (Jeremiah Wright)- Your daughter is here, white boy. Why are you white folk so crude-

MO (Michelle Obama), whispering to JW- Pastor, whatever you do, please don’t do the hip thing-

JW-Why not? I’m trying to make a point-

BO (Barack Obama)- Michele, this isn’t helpful. Pastor, would you just be so kind enough to remain quiet and keep your hips in your seat?

JW-You got it, homey.

HRC (Hillary Clinton)- You know, this reminds me of the time i meant Sigmund Freud. I was a child, only 12 years old, but I was precocious. We spoke for hours and exchanged ideas. He even agreed to see me as a patient, so that I might learn-

PMS- Ms Clinton, Sigmund Freud died in 1939. You weren’t bprn until 1947.

MO- There she goes-

HRC- Look bitch, I misspoke. It’s not like I said I hated America.

MO- I’ll rip the cellulite of your ‘misspoke’ mind-

PMS- OK, enough! Senator Obama, I have a question and I want you to answer honestly, once and for all. Why did you stay in Reverend Wright’s church for so long.

BO- The chicken.

PMS- The what?

BO- The chicken.

BC- Let me jump in here. The guy who wants to be president of the United States, even though he can’t win, stayed in that church because of the after church picnic. Barack loved the chicken. Isn’t that right, Barack?

BO- Yes, that’s true. Have you ever eaten at a white church picnic?

BC- I feel for you, Barack. I’m pretty partial to dark meat myself.

JW- Did you hear that, Doc? Now do you understand where we’re coming from? That white fool is just looking for dark meat, He said himself-

MO- That’s right! That’s right! Hide your daughters!

BO- WILL YOU ALL PLEASE JUST SHUT UP!

Mo (swiveling hips)- Talk to me like that again and see how much dark meat chicken you’ll be getting!

PMS- What is wrong with you people?

CC (Chelsea Clinton)- They are Democrats, that’s what wrong?

PMS- What do you mean, Chelsea?

CC- Look, no one in this room believes they are accountable for their actions. All they have to do is just say they care about others and no one else does and they can do what they want. I’ve been reading your blog Doc. Pretty good stuff.

PMS (flustered)- Why thank you, Chelsea.

CC- Well, it’s true. I’ve been rethinking about my own politics…

BC, HRC, BO, MO, JW (together, in outrage)- WHAT?

CC- Well, I have been rethinking my politics! Just look at you-

BC- If you dare say any more on the subject, I will beat the daylights out of you!

CC- But you don’t believe in corporal punishment- and besides, I’m not a child anymore.

BC- I have no problem with corporal punishment or violence for anyone who doesn’t toe the line and see things my way. How dare you-

HRC- Young lady, I don’t care how old you are. If you start thinking for yourself, I’ll go Joan Crawford on you faster than your father drops his pants!

JW- Tell Her! Tell her!

BO- Why does every session just degrade and fall apart like this?

MO- Because you half white moron, this is what happens when you put white people in charge. No way one of our daughters is going to go Condaleeza on us- and that Dr White Bitch is the real reason we stayed in Reverand Wright’s church! There is no way any self respecting black American is ever gonna be allowed to this for themselves and get out of the victimhood thing!

BO- I can feel it coming-

JW- Yes you can white boy! Listen up Doc and stupid white girl. Here’s the deal. Trinity United isn’t really about the chicken. Dumbass candidate may buy into the neighborhood and community thing, but thats’ all for show. You see, you aren’t the only who knows about people, Doc-

HRC- This would be a good time to shut up, preacher man-

MO- Sit your fat, white ass down, bitch. The Reverend is about to preach the truth. Not that you would be able to tell the difference between the truth and a lie, but fake it- you know, like you do with Bill-

HRC- How dare you-

MO- How dare I what? Why do you think he’s out there on the prowl? I’ve seen him stare at me!

BC- Well, you are quite lovely and your complexion is-

MO, HRC, JW, CC- Shut up!

JW- Listen Doc, pay attention. Here’s the deal. As long as we can be the victims, we can continue to victimze whitey, just the Palestinians do to the Jews. It’s a free ride. The minute black folk start thinking for themselves, there goes the racket. No way we’re gonna let the next generation of black folk believe they can have the American dream.

PMS- You’re slowly killing your own people?

MO- What’s it to you?

CC- Has it occurred to you that maybe some people care?

MO- You are white- what do you know about caring?

CC- Obviously, a whole lot more than you!

JW- Chelsea, you stupid white child, I suppose you think Condaleeza Rice is a fine example-

CC- SHE IS!

MO- Listen, she got to where she is because she earned it and not because of affirmative action. We can’t have that! Next thing you know my daughters will believe they can get ahead on merit. Is that the kind of America you want?

CC- What;s wrong with that? What’s wrong with people pulling themselves ahead? I think-

JW- Bill, explain the facts of life to your daughter.

BC- Honey, we need racism and discrimination. Without racism and discrimination we’re all the same. We wouldn’t be better. It’s a perfect arrangement. They agree to keep on failing and and we agree to fan the racist flames by institutionalizing that failure.

PMS, CC- You people are sick.

BO- Ain’t that the truth. My grandma warned me about this-

MO- Your white grandma.

PMS- OK, we’ve had some real breakthroughs here. How about we do this next week?

JW- What kind of food are you going to have?

BO- OK by me.

HRC- Sure, fine.

CC- Doc, can we talk alone, in private?

PMS- Sure.

HRC- Don’t make me beat you, Chelsea-

PMS- OK, remember, Carnival Of The Insanities as homework.

JW- How come you never have anything on Farrakhan or Michael Jackson in that damned Carnival- or are only white fruitcakes allowed?

BO, MO, BC, HRC, CC- SHUT UP!