The Secret Diaries
April 24, 2008
Dog’s Diary
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing
Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of my captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…
h/t Shrinkwrapped (psychoanalyst and dog owner. He has been dealing with cats at work for decades).
April 24, 2008 at 4:36 PM
[...] I like them both very much, but there are differences. by TheAnchoress @ 4:35 pm. Filed under America, Barack Obama, Bride at every wedding, corpse [...]
April 25, 2008 at 4:12 AM
[...] & cats: this just made me laugh until it [...]
April 25, 2008 at 10:02 AM
A rather catty commentary…
April 25, 2008 at 11:48 AM
my cats used to conspire by leaving secret messages for each other on planters, umbrella stands and even the furniture, using that special invisible ink they have.
I think they got the idea from a James Bond Novel.
To show the little bastards just who is the boss of whom, I had them castrated.
Then, like the French, they gave up and got fat.