Sigmund, Carl and Alfred

MHNN (Ann Arbor, MI)- As the 2008 race for the White House continues, the Democrats have yet to determine who will represent them. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are battling it for the top spot in primary contests in states and territories like Guam, Puerto Rico and North Carolina.

Dr Pat M Santy, renowned author of Carnival of the Insanities and Choosing the Right Stuff, a guide to healthful frozen entrees by Mrs Stouffer’s, was contacted once again by the Clinton and Obama campaigns. The stress of the extended primary season has taken it’s toll and both candidates are exhausted. They wanted to sit down with Santy to ‘recharge their batteries.’ Dr Santy flew down to Raleigh, NC and agreed to sit down with the candidates and those closest to them.

What follows is a transcript of that meeting.

PMS (Patricia M Santy)- Good Morning.

BC (Bill Clinton)- Good Morning. Aren’t we looking quite delicious this morning, Michelle!

MO (Michelle Obama)- Keep it zipped Bill, it’s not happening.

BO (Barack Obama)- Good morning, Doctor, nice to see you again. We’re a lot alike, you and I. We give people hope.

HC (Hillary Clinton)- Barry, the only hope you have is the hope that Rezko won’t roll over on you. When you lie down in the dirt-

MO- Ain’t that the truth, bitch. That’s something you know all about-

PMS- You people are beginning to irritate me. We either do something constructive or I’m outta here.

HC- I don’t like your tone-

PMS- I don’t care what you like or dislike. You still owe me for the last few sessions. At least Obama pays- though I do wonder why he insists on paying me with Western Union money transfers from Syria.

BO- I believe we need to talk to the Syrians. What better way to warm them up than by using their unregulated banking system? We can boost their self esteem by engaging with them. These people feel humiliated-

BC- I’m beginning to believe that Jeremiah Wright is right! Maybe blacks do learn differently than whites because that is close to the stupidest thing I’ve ever hear- and I’m from Arkansas and I’ve heard a whole lot of stupid.

MO- That is the most racist thing I’ve ever heard, you white cracker!

HC- Well, at least you’re finally paying attention! I guess you weren’t paying attention when your precious pastor said blacks are at a disadvantage because they don’t learn like white children. Had you listened to what that bigot had to say, maybe you wouldn’t feel so good about installing him in a multi million dollar home in a white neighborhood, on a golf course.

MO- I’m gonna rip your eyes out, bitch! Who do you think your dealing with? I know your kind- I was surrounded by white bitches just like you when I was in Princeton and Harvard-

BO- Can we move on? Enough with Jeremiah Wright.

Mo- Yeah bitch, if you’re hot on preachers like Bill is hot on girls over the age of 12, why not talk about McCain and that Reverend Hagee cracker?

PMS- You know, if you guys were smart, you wouldn’t go near that?

BC- She’s right. I won’t let Hillary touch that-

MO- And Hillary won’t let you touch her-

PMS- What is this, stupidfest? Are you people nuts?

MO- Who are you calling nuts, white psycho bitch?

BO- Bill is right. Lighten up, Michelle.

MO- Shut up, you half white idiot. Without me, the ‘hood would have swallowed your sorry ass up. You were so clueless you needed me to teach you that black folk don’t wear chinos, khakis or topsiders, you dumbass mama’s boy.

PMS- Michelle, think before you open your mouth. Hagee supports McCain- it isn’t as if he sat in the pews week in and week out, listen to that fool- unlike you and wonder bread in the ‘hood boy. Do you want to be judged by the people who support Barack?

HC- Tell that crack whore!

BO- Hillary, please.

MO- Don’t make me talk about the man you can’t hold on to, cracker bitch-

PMS- Michelle, your husband is being supported by Hamas and Hizbollah. Shall we judge him on that?

MO- So what? What’s wrong with Hamas and Hizbollah? They are resistance fighters. We need to respect their cause-

BO- Uh oh-

BC- Big uh oh-

PMS- Michelle. pay attention. There are no affirmative giveaways or freebies in an election-

MO- You bitch-

PMS- Shut up! It isn’t me that legitimizes that observation. Remember Reverend Wright and how blacks can’t learn like whites? You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be a legitimate icon for America and be a victim at the same time.

MO- The hell I can’t! I’m a victim that has overcome! I’m proof that I can beat the system that oppresses blacks! I am proof that all victims can overcome the white man’s oppression all over the world-

BO- This would really be a good time to shut up, Michelle-

MO- No booty call for you, white boy-

BC- Are you busy tonight, Michelle?

PMS- Michelle, think- THINK! Do you really believe that Hamas shares your ideals? Do you think teaching kids to sing ‘Hamas! Hamas! Jews to the gas is representative of your ideas?

BO, BC- She’s getting warmed up-

HC- I’m not going to ruin the moment by saying a word-

PMS- Do you think Americans- black or white are going to be impressed with your idealizing Hizbollah-

MO- But they are freedom fighters!

PMS- No they aren’t Michelle. Forget that crap you learned in Princeton. Does a leader who says ‘It’s good the Jews are all in Israel- it will save us the trouble of rounding them up later on’ sound like a freedom fighter to you?

MO- I didn’t know-

PMS- When you don’t know is a really good time to shut up- and you don’t know a whole lot. And that goes for Bill Ayers, too. Do you really believe that embracing Ayers is such a good idea? He’s a guy who has no regrets about killing people and says he didn’t do enough-

MO (assuming a defensive posture)- But Barack was just a kid-

BC- Oh Lord, it’s coming-

BO- It is? What is?

PMS- Michelle, that is plain stupid. Barack wasn’t born when Hitler and the Nazis overran Europe. Does that make it OK for Barack to say he was a great guy because he built the autobahn and got the trains to run on time? Is Castro a great guy because he save the Cuban cigar industry even if he killed tens of thousands of people?

MO- That’s not what I meant-

PMS- No one gives a damn about what you meant. It’s what you say, how you say it and the how you behave that count.

MO- That isn’t fair-

PMS- Michelle, we will pick this up next week, but realize this- you are not smarter than everyone else- and you sure as hell aren’t smarter than me. I have three associates who would not be as nice to you as I am- and they are white, to boot.

BO- I won’t be getting any for a month. Maybe two months.

PMS- Hillary, not a word. Your turn is next week-

BC- You must be feeling sad, Michelle. Why don’t we go out. I know I can make you feel better-

HC- I’m going to kill you one day-

BC- Isn’t she so cute when she gets riled up? I think you are so cute, baby-

HC- Really, Bill? Do you mean that?

MO- I think I’m going to be sick-

BO- Finally, Michelle, we are on the same page.

PMS- Next week, post North Carolina primary wrap up. In the meantime, it’s Carnival of the Insanities.