Late Night Laugh: Ripped From The Headlines

Burger Votes

MHNN (Ann Arbor, MI)- Reports have surfaced that Pat M Santy’s recent hiatus from blogging is the result of a critical new research project requiring her full time attention.  Interest in Santy, former NASA organic waste in space specialist and author of the weekly Carnival Of The Insanities (COTI) has spiked since her announcement that she was ‘taking a break from blogging.’

MHNN has learned that Santy’s break from blogging came about as the result of her accepting a prestigious fellowship at an as yet unnamed research institute.

Santy’s research will focus on the relationship between fast food, political party affiliation and voting patterns. Preliminary research and anecdotal evidence suggests that there are stark differences between liberals and conservatives when it comes to eating habits. She believes those differences are indicators of predictors of voting patterns.

The research is being funded by the fast food industrial complex and other food industry giants. They see the research as offering a tremendous financial opportunity with food sales data sold to political campaigns on the national, state and local levels.

Dr Santy sat down with MHNN for an interview, the first since her break from blogging.

MHNN- Nice to see you, Pat.

PMS- That’s Doctor Pat to you.

MHNN- Of course. Please accept my apologies.

PMS- No problem.

MHNN- How did you become interested in this line of research?

PMS- Well, I was in a fast food restaurant and ran into someone I knew- a raving liberal. I noticed that she was ordering a salad, which is always a good choice, but then insisted on no salad dressing and no salt. She asked if the oranges in the salad were fresh or canned. When she found out they were canned she was rather upset. She then asked that there be no oranges added to her salad.

MHNN- And?

PMS- Well, I said hello and we exchanged polite niceties. I then remarked that the salad would be rather bland without the dressing. She remarked that she could not afford the calories in a fast food restaurant. She said that corporate America was determined to undermine the health of our nation. At this point I’m thinking, ‘where are SC&A?’ this one is bananarama!

MHNN (laughing)- I see your point.

PMS- She didn’t stop there. She said she was going to vote for Obama because she believed he would teach corporate America a lesson, by banning the sale of high fat, high calorie food items, guns, everything fried and snack foods. She believed that would be the first step in reclaiming America for the people.

MHNN- Really?!

PMS- I asked her if an outright ban on alcohol and all drugs were part of the program. She got visibly upset and said, ‘We aren’t fascists. People can choose to do as they will.’ When I asked if that applied to eating hamburgers and salad dressing, she said I had become a ‘Hitler,’ seeking the destruction of all mankind. She was visibly upset and reached into her handbag. After a few moments, she asked if I had any Xanax. I replied that I did have a few samples but she was not my patient and therefore could not give her the 96 sample pills she requested. She got very belligerent at that point.

MHNN- What else prompted your research?

PMS-  I have noticed that sometimes, people will order food as tasteless as possible. They believe that their virtuousness and righteousness increases in direct proportion with their suffering. Their own suffering- of their own making-  they believe, gives them the moral right to excoriate the rest of us and to foist their morality on us.

MHNN- But not everyone who espouses liberal ideologies are tofu fanatics!

PMS- Of course not. Look at Al Gore. His idea of starvation is missing his regularly scheduled Twinkie break. There are liberals who gorge themselves, up size, Whopperize and Big Gulp themselves into realty big pants. Who are they, you ask? Well, they are the same people who squeeze themselves into a plastic seat designed for 10 year olds and read that 3 or 4 year old dog eared copy of Time of Newsweek with the cover story of global warming- with that cover on display for all to see. These are the same people with ‘I brake for animals’ bumper stickers- as if the rest of us deliberately target animals for vehicular homicide.

MHNN- How about frozen food? Does that say anything about an individual?

PMS- Sure. Look, no one loves Mrs Stouffers more than I do- especially the lasagna, but when it is all said and done, let’s get real. Lousy, sugar free and taste free frozen yogurt ‘with a portion of the proceeds going to help Amazon tribes, African tribes, Native American tribes, Maori tribes, Austarlian aboriginal tribes, Inuit tribes and psychotic misunderstood artists’ is designed to part liberals with theri money. I always said I’d like to start a rumor that all ’socially responsible’ businesses were actually subsidiaries of Halliburton.

MHNN- How about Mexican food?

PMS- That’s a laugh! A 6,000 calorie burrito is far more unhealthy that a fried taco shell filled with the same 6,000 calories and extra sour cream, guacamole- as long as their is more chopped lettuce.

MHNN- As you might say, Dr Pat, our time is up. I would like to pick this up next week. Is that OK with you?

PMS- Sure. We can get together over the breakfast buffet at Golden Corral.

MHNN- Sounds like a plan. In the meantime, head over to Carnival Of The Insanities for some intellectual nutrition.