The Other Sexual Freedom

The following is a guest post by reader Sara G, originally written in 2005. We are republishing this post in response to a BlogTalk Radio podcast hosted by Fausta that aired yesterday.

Elizabeth Blackeny of Media Lizzy, Jazz Shaw of Middle Earth Journal and The Moderate Voice, and Shane Burgess of Political Vindication all contributed to a fascinating conversation on culture, relationships, sexuality and morality.

In her post, Sara G discusses abstinence, a topic all too often dimissed as ‘unworkable.’ The essay is not preachy or didatic. She discusses abstinence and how it works for her and she is remarkable in that she is an ‘every person.’ She is not a religious zealot nor she embrace any kind of ‘off the wall’ agenda. When it is all said and done, it is clear that there is a lot of us in her- and that should give us as individuals and as parents, much to think about.

True Sexual Freedom: No Place for Abstinence in the Sexual Revolution? Get a Clue.

I have been asked by Sigmund, Carl, and Alfred to guest post. I don’t update my own blog often, and my comments on the blogs of others are infrequent at best. So, I was kind of clueless about what I should say. So, I asked him (them?) what he (they?) wanted me to post about, and he (they?) informed me that I should post about the subject I commented on previously – sex. Then, I started thinking about what to say, and as you will read, I did, indeed, get a Clue. As a 26-year-old virgin, I am not often asked to talk about sex, and I can’t really blame people for not asking. After all, if I needed to have my car fixed, I wouldn’t want to ask a mechanic who said, “Well, I’ve never actually done it, but I’ve sure heard a lot about it.”

This post is a chance for me to explain what sexual freedom means to me, and why I am frequently frustrated (all right, stop snickering, and get your minds out of the gutter!) with what I perceive as a societal sexual double standard. Fair warning: I don’t offend easily. Comment all you want. You’re not going to change my mind or hurt my feelings. In fact, I probably won’t even remember what you’ve said about me by the end of the day.

I am not a prude. I am not a person who considers sex to be dirty or “bad”. I am not offended by sexual content in movies, television, and literature. I am not a nun. Hell, I’m not even Catholic. Someday, I would very much like to have sex, and I am glad that in these modern times, people can have as much of whatever kind of sex they prefer as they want. I am not judgmental or homophobic. I think everyone has a right to express themselves sexually (with the obvious exceptions of rape, incest, and child molestation). I have many friends who are in sexual relationships – many of whom are very happy. I am happy for them. Not just that they are having sex and enjoying it, but that they are in relationships that make them happy in many different ways – sex being only one of those many kinds of happiness. I also have friends who have had sex because they felt pressured by their date and by society to go all the way. That’s what people do, right? You’re dating someone, and having sex is just part of it. If you’re not doing it, there’s something wrong with you. The Sexual Revolution has gone so far that it is not about freedom anymore. It, like everything eventually does, has come full-circle to the point of demanding conformity.

That said, I do not wish to come across as a right-winging anti-sex prude machine. That is not me, and not what I am about. What bothers me is not that lots of people are having sex, but that it has become unacceptable not to. Many people assume that opting to wait for marriage or committed relationship means that you are obviously a conservative, possibly Bible-thumping sexual teetotaler. That if you are not doing it, you must believe it to be wrong. Or, that you just can’t get any. This is the aspect that bothers me. True sexual freedom is the right to have sex with whomever you choose (consensually, of course), AND the right to choose to wait. Society dictates that rape is wrong. To rape someone is a vicious, terrible act that is punishable by law. Forced sex is not just criminal, it is morally reprehensible. No sane, decent person would argue that forcing another human being into a sexual act is in any way acceptable behavior. That the socio-moral stigma against rape exists shows that as a general rule, most people believe in the basic human right to choose the time, place, and partner for sexual behavior. To take away that choice in any way violates a person in a deep, damaging way. There is a reason that victims of sexual assault often need counseling. They have been harmed, violated, and need emotional healing and release just as an injured person needs physical medical attention.

Now, before anyone gets mad and thinks that I am comparing sexual freedom to rape, or that I am suggesting that society is raping us by forcing their views upon us, let me state that the example of rape was meant only to provide context; to illustrate that there are boundaries and limits to complete sexual freedom that everyone agrees upon. If it is known that to force sexual behavior is wrong, then it is only natural that society has created laws against and penalties for committing the crime of rape. If it is truly the right of every human being to choose the time, place, and partner for sexual behavior, is it not also their right to postpone that time, place, and partner indefinitely? It is never okay to force someone. So, within that framework of law and basic humanity, if a person decides that not only was tonight, in the Billiard Room, with Colonel Mustard not the time, place, and partner they would choose, but that there is no room in the unfortunate late Mr. Boddy’s house that would make intimacy with the Colonel seem enticing, that there is then no obligation on Miss Scarlett (or Professor Plum, if the gate swings the other way) to give it up to the Colonel. Not now, not ever. If Miss Scarlett or the Plum Professor (I always thought he was a little fruity – everyone groan with me now) decides that tomorrow night in the Conservatory, with Mr. Green is their cup of tea, then more power to them. They can even bring the rope, so long as all parties are in agreement. Hell, if all parties are in agreement, they can even let Ms. Peacock watch, for all I care.

Now that none of you will ever be able to play Clue again without wondering what exactly Miss Scarlett was doing in the Conservatory with Mr. Green AND Ms. Peacock, I will hurry up and get to the point. Sexual freedom is about choice. Delaying a choice due to personal conviction is valid. Period. No one should feel obligated to have sex. This is not the Dark Ages, when people had to hurry up and reproduce a whole bunch before wolves and the Plague carried off 70% of their offspring. There is no mad rush. People should have sex because they want to, whether it is no-strings attached, purely physical release, an emotional bond expressed physically between people who are in love, or an attempt to create a child. Different people have different wants, needs, and desires. What works for one person, what makes one person happy – may not be right for another. Most people would apply this to all areas of life. Jobs that would make me miserable are sources of great joy for others. There are people who are friends with people I find annoying. There are people who find me annoying and choose not to be friends with me. Why then can this thinking be applied to everything under the sun except for sex? Right now, waiting feels right to me. Until it doesn’t feel right, I will wait. And that is okay.